it's almost 6 am. can't sleep. just keep turning over and over--everything crawling under my skin. i'm in new york. the garbage trucks roaring below. the pipes of the heater keep screaming every so often. it's so damn loud. and even the blue glow from my computer screen causes my mind to see dots, images, patches of color. and turning it off won't help. life is too itchy. my mind is racing too much. i probably drank too much--in general lately. who knows, maybe not. health--just deteriorates from here i guess.

so why did i get this way tonite? it happens every so often--the vagrancies of insomnia. maybe it was the call i got from my father a few hours back. at the bar. cancer. he says it's containable through a surgery in june. june? containable? ok, that's cool. that's good.

we all just sort of rot away slowly, don't we? some quicker than others. and me?

slow like molasses. excruciatingly slow.